Apr 22, 2011
203 notes

32 Sex positions from Cosmo NOT to try

As you may know, I worked at Cosmo magazine for several months. Their online division recently sent me a list of their top sex positions for me to review, and so here are the ones most likely to kill you.

Positions involving the beach

 ”You know what’s hot babe? Typhoid fever, hepatitis A and dysentery.”

Cosmo has a serious thing for this, which seems a little odd. The women who purchase Cosmo are mostly recurrent customers and likely to purchase future issues, making it a rather poor business model to be actively trying to kill them.

But hey, don’t let potentially-fatal diseases and a risk of drowning and/or being placed on a sex offender registry for lewd behaviour and having your whole life ruined scare you off! Here are a sample of the many, many positions that Cosmo recommends you try.

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The last one is my favourite, since Cosmo describes it as being "discreet enough to try out in a lake or the ocean without getting caught". Presumably then for the other positions being arrested is just an unavoidable side effect, like being filmed, ending up on the news, and never being able to look your parents in the eye again.

Positions involving Pools, baths and Hot tubs

"Babe, I love your lady parts and all, but you know what would make them so much hotter? A urinary tract infection, fo’ reals.”

Who’d have thought that the places where little kids pee and you remove dirt into are less than sanitary? Not Cosmo, for one.

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I like how black people aren’t allowed in the pool, and must resign themselves to catching diseases in the bath. Bonus to them too, for the fact that it kinda looks like he’s in the process of removing her prosthetic leg.

Positions with a genuine risk of drowning

"Oh my god you are bad at this. Lets just have sex in a fucking boat, so that I can kill myself if you don’t improve.”

The well-known high bridge study found a definite link between danger and arousal, so I guess from that standpoint the following positions are a good idea. On the other hand, basic common sense suggests a negative correlation between arousal and being dead, and being dead is what will most definitely happen if you fuck in a boat, you colossal moron.

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A very close race here. The surfboard one is great, because anyone using it will almost definitely die, and I like the last one because it looks like she’s trying to crawl away. In the end, I think the middle one wins, by virtue of it mostly just looking like they’re hanging out in a row-boat platonically. Bonus points to the fourth one for being called “The Tawdry Tube”, tawdry meaning cheap and of poor quality, two thinks that you probably don’t want your fuck-tube to be, should you want to not die.

Positions that look like MMA holds

"Prepare for a beat down"

I have, from time to time, watched martial arts on TV and thought “Wow, it kinda looks like those guys are sexing” I guess Cosmo took the next logical step, and decided that all fighting and fucking are basically interchangeable. It’s a pretty fun game, looking at the following pictures and guessing whether you’re looking at love-making or domestic abuse.

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The last one wins by so much. The ridiculous warning, the way that their genitals are clearly not touching and the fact that this position calls for the man to spin himself around and around on top of the lady “like a propeller” all make this incomparably awful.

Positions that treat people like chairs

"Sex is great and all, but tonight I think I’m just gonna sit on you and stare into space wistfully. That cool?"

I defy anyone to tell me there is penetrative sex going on here.

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The second one wins, entirely due to being called "The Erotic Accordion"

The accordion is the world’s least erotic instrument.

The exact same position, just in the bath

"How much better would this be if it were in the bath?"

I’d almost finished this post when i realised that these two positions were fucking identical (pardon the pun).

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The one in the bath is a clear winner, but both are pretty great. I am 90% sure that in either situation their genitals cannot be touching.

Positions that look like two separate gymnastics routines superimposed onto one another

"Oh my god, I did not realise you were practising here too! How embarrassing!"

I feel like these images speak for themselves.

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The first one looks like a cross between an ice skating demonstration and a picture of a flamboyantly homosexual man stealing a statue of a ballerina that has been rotated about 75 degrees to the right. The second one looks like a 14 year old has cut out two pictures from the sports section and just put them atop one another. I would choose the latter if pressed, simply because the man looks so god-damn triumphant.

Positions that look like one of the participants is unconscious or dead

"No means yes"

I don’t even fucking know.

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The film-noir lighting of the second one really does make it look like a cartoon depiction of date rape.

Sex positions invented by someone who hates women (but loves purple)

"I like you just enough to keep having sex with you, but not enough to not spray your crotch with freezing water in our yard, then dangle you upside down for a while and break your knees"

Supposedly the inventor of Chess hated women. I would not be surprised if he invented these positions too.

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The consistent use of colour kind of makes this look like it happened in sequence, in one catastrophically abusive relationship. As such, I can’t really choose.

Uncategorizable

"…"

Are they… flying? Or…? What? What? What?

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The best explanation I can come up with is that this is a shot from below of a man using a blow up doll to stay afloat in the pool.What the fuck, Cosmo?

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